Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
