I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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