remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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