I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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