I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
