this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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