My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
