Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
