i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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