Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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