Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
