If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
