The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
