dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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