90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My dick has a subreddit
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
