So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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