Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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