Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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