I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
