I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
