Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
