I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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