so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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