She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
