Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
