finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
