A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
