so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
