i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize