my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
