so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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