That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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