he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize