dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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