I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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