I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
