I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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