Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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