Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
