Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
