I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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