I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
