Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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