My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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