Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
