He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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