in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
