I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
