I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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