Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize