i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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