have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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