Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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