i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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