God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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