It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
